Spoof Riddle Diaries
by Nerd.Is.A.Compliment
Summary: This is Tom Marvolo Riddle's diary while he was at Hogwarts. This is before he was Voldemort and before he opened the Chamber of Secrets for the first time. HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

_**Spoof Riddle Diaries**_

Dear Diary

My voice is doing odd things, and I fell lonely and confused all the time. I've begun a poem about it.

"Why do nice girls hate me?"

That's all I have gotten, but I'm sure I've the soul of a true poet! Why does no one understand me?

Dear Diary,

Oh Joyous day! I have finally lost my lisp. Unfortunately my Parseltongue is suffering from it, but at least I'm not being made fun of anymore.

I've added a new line to my poem:

"Why do nice girls ignore my pain?"

There is genius in my words, but I am doomed, a first class poet, never to be understood.

Dear Diary,

I'm in love! There is a beautiful, but smart a couple of years above me. I think her name is Minerva. I don't know her second name though. O how brilliant she is. Her hair is always up in a tight bun, but I'm hoping she'll wear it down for the ball soon. Maybe I should ask her out? Do you think she'll accept? I mean... I'm only a few years younger... I know! I'll start bumping into her accidently, see what she says.

Oh well, wish me luck

Dear Diary,

Minerva asked me why I kept bumping into her, and suggested a specialist in London. :(

How sad I am! I have added to my poem:

"Why do nice girls think I have balance Impairments?"

So sad so true

Dear Diary,

My heart has moved pass that fickle Minerva lass. [Insert tear drop here] I don't need her anyway! I'm special, and someday everyone that was mean to me will know I am special, and THEN THEY'LL BE SORRY!

Have added a couplet to my poem:

"Why do nice girls think I'm weird,  
And shall I ever grow a beard?"

Dear Diary,

Today I saw Squirrel running up a tree and it filled me so full of joy that I have decided to spread the words of the lord around London. Never again will I utter a bad word about anyone. I pledge to help the needy, to be kind to everyone and live my life doing good wherever I am needed.

Actually, scrap that, they've taken 'Top of the Pops' off, everyone must die.

Dear Diary,

My angry letter to the BBC has been replied to by a note:

"_Your Vulgar and threatening letter regarding 'Top of the Pops has been passed to the police, and you can expect them to call to your residence immediately."_

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to give them the Hogwarts address.

Alas, it doesn't matter. I have found love with- Dorea Black, a flowering beauty who does not seem to mind my speech impairments and my lack of chest hair.

Poem updated:

"Why do nice girls ne'er smile at me?"

See I used an example of OLD English, there. That MUST mean I'm talented.

Dear Diary,

Whoopsies... turns out Dorea Black likes a country singer named Tom Fiddle. I needn't have embarrassed myself with the song-and-dance number done atop the Slytherin table at lunch table yesterday.

I've added more to the poem, coming after the line "Why do nice girls ne'er smile at me." Here is goes, "When I walk by, they run up a tree."

Yes, I have suddenly got a sudden ring fixation... I should NOT have gone to that LOTR role-playing camp last summer. (I was Gollum.) PRECIOUSSSS!

Dear Diary,

I think I am doomed to be lonely. First Minerva, then Dorea...

Plus, Professor Dippet had a few quiet words with me about the Top of the Pops thing. I say a few quiet words. What he actually said was along the lines of "You ever do that again and I'll smash your ***** face in!"

He is a nice man.

Poem update: Why do nice girls never comb my silky locks?"

*Le sight*... Thinking of changing my name to Vol – actually, no, that's stupid. Tom Allen Poe! That's better...

Dear Diary,

I contacted the courts about changing my name today but I'm not sure if I want to known as Tom Allen Poe for the rest of my life, maybe I should think about it some more.

I ran into Minerva today completely by accident but I don't think she was very impressed. Remind me to get my underpants from the top of North Tower.

P.S. I added another line to my poem, "Why is it so drafty under my cloak? O why can't I be someone's bloke?"

Dear Diary,

New line to poem: "Why do nice girls date the wrong'uns?"

I have decided, in order to make this diary famous, to kill myself. All the famous diarists died before they were published... Big Bird... Jim Davidson... and so, I will throw myself clear off North Tower!

EDIT: Scrap that, I've found a Basilisk.

Dear Diary,

Minerva's dad sent me a Howler telling me off for bothering his daughter. I enclose a transcription.

"_Dear Twerp stalking my daughter,_

_Clear off, you git, or I'll come after ye myself and I'll give you what for, so I will!_

_Sincerely,_

_Minerva's Father and his handy rifle gun._

Have added to my poem in reference to this event, I think I'm getting better at rhyming.

"WHY the dads of nice girls with shot guns?"

Dear Diary,

I have added another line to my incredible poem: "Why do nice girls put their hair in buns and why do I feel like I ain't got no chums?"

Today was a good day; first I was named the best prefect in Slytherin, then I had a nice talk to my new Basilisk which I called Rosy Fluffy Slyther! Then Minnie (my new pet-name for Minerva) apologized to me but I said something and she slapped me. Oh, well. Oh, woe is me! My talents shall never be shown and Rosy said I shouldn't be called Tom Allen Poe, maybe Tom Cutie Einstein?

Tom Riddle

P.S. My mother was Ugly! Woe is me!

Dear Diary,

Minnie doesn't like me; I think someday I'll find someone who looks like her and posses her...

Anyway, that big oaf Hagrid found an acromantuala. Maybe I can blame him for something...

New line added to poem: "Why do nice girls slap me?"

Writing of which, I present a transcript of my masterfully beautiful poem so far: "Why do nice girls hate me?" a partially completed story by Tom THE DARK LORD Riddle (Maybe that should be my poetry nom de plume. Maybe if I give her this poem, she would like me again... or for the first time...)

"Why do nice girls hate me?

Why do nice girls ignore my pain?

Why do nice girls think I have balance impairments?

Why do nice girls think I'm weird?

And shall I ever grow a beard?

Why do nice girls ne'er smile at me?

When I walk by they run up a tree.

Why is it so drafty under my cloak?

O why can't I be someone's bloke?

Why do nice girls date the wrong'uns?

WHY the dads of nice girls with shot guns?

Why do nice girls put their hair in buns?

And why do I feel like I ain't got no chums?

Why do nice girls slap me?

Dear Diary,

People are so stupid. I hate them. No one understands me! They think they know me, but they don't know me! Have considered going Goth to show how deep I am. I have also composed a sonnet to my beloved basilisk, the only one who knows how I feel. Which is, basically, a killing lust.

O basilisk of forked tongue,

Thy praises thus far gone unsung.

How wondrous fair thou art in truth,

Nibbling folk with poison tooth-

Thy eyes like limpid cess-pools be,

They hold entranced the bourgeoisie.

Thou and I in mouldering lair,

Shall evermore be laissez fair.

Now that I have sung thy praises,

Honour thee on jerks thy gazes?

Dear Diary,

Rosy Fluffy Slither got a little red bird stuck in her throat today. I had to stick my hand in and pull the nasty little thing out. I almost got poked with her fangs! Now she's scared of fiery red birds.

I'm thinking of publishing 'Why do nice girls hate me?' Hey Walt Whitman wrote reviews of his own poems!

Rosy Fluffy Slyther really isn't getting enough food. I think tomorrow I will sneak a roast pig down to her. I found a nice chamber in the basement of the school where she will be safe. The bad thing is the entrance is through the _girl's bathroom! _And it smells down there!

Tom

Dear Diary,

*Sigh* Good news and bad news... I found the most interesting place I have ever seen... it was if it was made by the hands of God himself. Of course, like I said, the entrance is through a girl's bathroom, and I only went once... luckily there were no girls in there... EEK! I would get cursed... or worse, Detention! Then I wouldn't be able to go to my beloved basilisk... hmmm, I think I will name him Sly... I've always liked that... hmmm, maybe not... are basilisks supposed to have names?

Your only love,

Tom

Dear Diary,

I have decided to change my name so I may strike fear into the hearts of those that I hate. How about Immortal Lord Dove? No, I didn't really like that either, maybe I should run it by Rosy.

Tom Marvolo Riddle

**If you do look at it, Immortal Lord Dove does rearrange into Tom Marvolo Riddle.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear diary,  
I tried to resurrect my tactic of bumping into Minnie today, but bumped a bit too hard and fell down 24 flights of stairs, all one after the other.  
I am currently in the hospital wing.  
I added more lines to my poem:  
Why do nice girls hate me?  
Why do nice girls ignore my pain  
Why do nice girls think I have balance impairments?  
Why do nice girls think I'm weird,  
And shall I ever grow a beard?  
Why do nice girls ne'er smile at me?  
When I walk by, they run up a tree  
Why do nice girls never comb my silky locks?

Why is it so drafty under my cloak?  
O why can't I be someone's bloak?  
Why do nice girls date the wrong 'uns?  
WHY the dads of nice girls with shotguns?  
Why do nice girls sometimes put their hair in buns and  
Why do I feel like I ain't got no chums?  
Why do nice girls slap me?  
And say things they don't (well probably do) mean?  
And why, when I declare my love for them,  
Do they look shocked and then turn green?

Also, I met these really cool people called Joe and Bethan Potter.  
They are a couple. Unlike me.  
Anyway, I think I could become great friends with the Potters

Dear Diary,  
I have been in the hospital wing for three days, and have had only one visitor. But I don't like professor Slughorn, so it was a bit boring.  
Still, I managed to find out from him (using my charm and lustrous hair-flicking technique), that a certain young lady LIKES ME! Joy to the world - I feel better already!  
Now, if only I knew who the lucky lass was...

Poem updated: Why do nice girls tell Slughorn who they like?  
p.s I have decided to be an emo instead of a Goth. Far too much hard work with the make-up. Besides, I'm allowed to cry all the time and no one bats an eyelid.

Riddle-kins X

Dear Diary,  
I am _still_ in the hospital wing but now I can actually move my leg! I worry about Rosy Fluffy Slyther though. She's been all alone these past several days and I hope she's alright. Maybe I could call her up to visit me tonight. I've been pretty lonely since Slughorn last visited. *Sigh* I also found out which girl likes me. She's this idiotic Hufflepuff who thinks that the giant squid is her best friend and randomly dances during study hall.  
My life is horrible.  
Tom

Dear diary,  
Rosy Fluffy Slyther visited me in the hospital wing earlier. Unfortunately, so did my Hufflepuff lady friend, and she got killed by its stare. Now no one likes me. :'(  
I also got a 'T' on my latest assignment: 'Poems on potions', which goes to show that I truly am a discriminated poet.  
Never mind. It is destiny for me to suffer for my art.  
I always look at mother's picture when I need to get 'in the zone'. It always depresses me, and my poetry is better. She really was an ugly tramp.  
Updated poem: 'Why do nice girls die so easily?'

Riddle-kins x

Dear Diary,  
Finally I'm out of the hospital! But I found that my poetic ideas came easier when I lay in that smelly hospital wing. Either that or it was all the potions I had to take. I still get kinda dizzy...  
I had thought that the death of the Hufflepuff girl would have caused a lot of chaos in school, but no one really seems to know that she's gone. Maybe it was because Rosy Fluffy Slyther got hungry and disposed of the body quite nicely. I thought it was disgusting.  
Some seventh-year Ravenclaw boys ripped up the poem I was writing in Transfiguration about Minnie. They started laughing at me and so did the rest of the kids! So, when the professor's back was turned I pointed my wand at the boys and *poof*. Now I have a lovely pair of bluish-silver tea cozys.  
Updated Poem: 'Why does seeing a giant snake eat make me queasy?'  
Tom

Dear diary,  
Rosy has been telling me why she lives in the castle, something about my ancestor! She tells me that the heir has to kill mudbloods. YAY!  
Today I went up to Minnie and asked her what house she was in, I thought she was in Ravenclaw cause she's so smart but she hasn't worn her cloak when I'm near so I didn't know what house she was in but I found out she was in Gryffindor! Ewww! From now on I'm sticking to Ravenclaws and Slytherins. I found two books that I want to read from the library, the history of the Gaunts and Jack and the beanstalk.  
Love, Tommy  
Ps. I am now lord Bunnymort (should I change it to Lord Moldyshorts?)  
P.s. New line: Are the nice girls always in the houses with gits,  
Like the girl who's dating Weasley?

Dear Diary,

I just came back from the library with two books and a movie. They are called _King Arthur_, _Men Who Love Dragons Too Much_, and _Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail_. I had a dream that I will be a serial killer when I grow and I will have lots of minions and everybody will be afraid to say my name and I will be very powerful and have six Horcruxes and Dumbledore is dead. It was a wonderful dream. Then I saw a face so ugly it turned my beautiful dream into a nightmare. Guess who that face belonged to? A lady named Dolores Jane Umbridge. She looked like a big, fat, oversized toad.

Love,  
Tommy-kins

Dear Diary,  
It occurs to me that perhaps my poetic soul was never meant to be read. Instead, it should be _sung!_ I shall start a band, and then everyone will know how cool I am and girls will like me and all the cool people and the nice girls can have a party and maybe kill some mudbloods! I hope Rosy doesn't mind. I wonder if I can teach her to play the drums?

Sincerely,  
Lord Moldyvort and the Riddles!

p.s. Well, maybe not 'and the Riddles', I haven't found them yet. Hm, I wonder who I can recruit...

Dear Diary,

I found Rosy a maraca she holds really well with her tail. She has a wicked beat, man! I found a mariachi band to do back up. I wonder how she'd look in a Tango dress and try out for Dancing with the Stars! She'd be a great partner for George Hamilton! I can just see her in her bandana banana outfit, yellow with big red spots and him in his bull fighting outfit doing the tango! What an imagination, I'm in love! Must learn the tango!

Sincerely,

Lord Danceamort and the Riddles!

P.S. Must pick up Mexican jumping beans...see what she'd think of them! Oh, and more mix!

Dear Diary,

I was practising how to tango in the great hall this evening when Minni saw me. She looked horror struck and when her friends looked in too they burst out laughing! I think it was the red dress I was wearing that did it most of all. When I ran out of the hall crying I bumped into Dumbledore taking his midnight stroll, he asked me whether I will be killing people any time soon. It was quite bizarre really; maybe Rosie knows what he's on about.

Well I added another line to my poem; "Why do girls hate my tango moves?"

Tom  
xxxx 

Dear Diary,  
Woe is me! Rosy isn't speaking to me. I confided in her after finding Minnie felt sorry for that dumb oaf that I got expelled. Oh why can't she feel sorry for me? I told her I was just jealous because I wanted the Acromantula for myself. Now Rosy thinks I would rather have that stupid spider than her. At least my agony makes for great inspiration in my poetry. Maybe I'll write rosy a poem.

Sincerely,  
Lord Moldyrats (rosy always liked that one)

Dear Diary,  
I found a nice dress for Rosy Fluffy Slyther and, on a whim, tried to summon a partner for her. _Accio, George Hamilton!_

It didn't work.  
So, I've decided to lean the tango myself and went sneaking into the restricted section of the library. I found a book on how to tango _and_ found a book on muggle pick-up lines.  
After reading that book last night, I tried my new skills on Minnie.  
It was after dinner that I stoped by the Gryffindor table and asked her: "If I said that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"

I woke up in the hospital wing. But Madam Pomfrey says I'll be out by tomorrow once the swelling in my cheek goes down. I never knew Minnie had such a good arm.

Dear Diary,

I have sent Rosie millions of rats to say sorry but she still isn't talking to me, what should I do?  
I tried writing a different kind of poem to show how much I love her.  
R- Is for Ravishing  
O- Is for Outstanding  
S- Is for Slithery  
I- Is for Incredible  
E- Is for her Extraordinary way she kills people.

I really hope she likes it.

Dear Diary,  
I have sworn off the dress habit once and for all, and have decided to dress like a member of Sargeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Dippet pointed out that they won't exist until the 1960's. It's not my fault that I'm ahead of the fashion curve? One day, black hooded cloaks, scary green skull/snake tattoos, and masks will be in style, too!  
I've added a new line to my poem:  
Why don't nice girls appreciate the Beatles?

Dear Diary,  
I have asked all of my friends to be in my band.

He said no.

But I shall persevere! I have even given up tango to learn the electric guitar, an instrument that hasn't been invented yet, but these are mere technicalities. I think I shall write Minnie a sonnet.

Update: Somehow, she didn't like my 'Roses are red, Violets are plucked' poem. I think it had something to do with the last two lines. Oh well.  
The hospital wing is a lot cleaner this time around.

New line to my poem: Why do nice girls dislike my crude sonnets?

Love from Riddle-kins and the Riddles. No, wait...Voldesnort and the Slyther-Riddles!  
Oh, I give up.

Dear diary,  
Rosy is speaking to me again! But I had to say that I was sorry. I hate that word! Something weird happened to me today, first I was outside planning to go and visit Rosy when this tall ugly man who silts for a nose came up to me and well, he said that in the future, I would be feared by everyone in the wizarding community. I cheered and asked him if he was a seer but he said he was from the future! I asked him his name and he said Lord Voldemort a.k.a Tom **Riddle**! So now I'm back in the hospital wing, I just woke up from the faint that I took (I'M GONNA BE UGLY!). Then said I could leave 4 kids, a guy who looked like Potter, a girl with bushy hair, a girl who looked like Packard (A/n:that's Molly's mom) and a guy who looked between Packard, Weasley and Prewett attacked me in the hall! Potter clone punched me in the nose and hit me with Expelliarmus. Bushy girl hit me with a big amount of advanced spells. red-haired Packard clone hit me with the bat-boogie spell and tackled me (I didn't mind that part cause she was cute). Then the red-haired guy freezed me and punched me in the guts. Then they disappeared! So I cried all the way back to the Hospital wing and cuddled with my plusher snake which I named Greenie Nagini.  
love,  
Lord Voldemort?

Dear Diary,

I've been thinking about that visit from my future self recently and I realised it does have it's perks, having everyone being scared of me...I mean, no ones gonna ask me to pay for anything and no girl would turn me down!

Maybe I should try it out, see how good I am at it...I think I'll pay some students a surprise visit. ...I hope Minnie doesn't find out.

Dear Diary,  
I am still stuck in the hospital wing. I told Madame Caffrey about the ugly guy and the 4 kids, now she is really worried. Just what I needed someone else who thinks I need therapy. They are just frightened of my evil creative genius.

New line: Why do nice girls try to hurt me?

Dear Diary,  
I have been dreaming up grand schemes in preparation for my future evil self.  
I think I will have my fabulous memoirs play a part. I have thought up a deliciously funny plan - what if I used my incredible powers to make a girl send a really stupid singing valentine to a boy she likes while I plot how to use her for my gain? How I would laugh. And how it would help me get revenge for all the nasty things girls have done to me over the years.

Updated poem: Why do nice girls think it's strange for me to write a diary?  
Not a very catchy line I know, but it's the truth. I ought to buy a set of bongo drums soon, for when I start up the Beat-nik club!

Love from,  
Riddle-pie, soon to be Lord Voldemort (I hope)

p.s Rosy Fluffy Slyther brought me a dead kitten today. Aww.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Diary,  
I tried a self-transfiguration spell on myself today. It didn't go too well. I attempted to give myself red eyes with vertical pupils, but sadly, I accidentally made my eyelashes long and curly. I must admit, however, that I look quite adorable.  
I was watching a bootlegged-via-time-turner film today- "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe." It won't be released until 2005, but who cares? Anyway, I was shocked to discover that that Edmund kid, I think the actor's name is Skandar Keynes, he looks quite a bit like me!  
I like that kid. He's emo.  
I added a few lines to my poem, following the line "Why do nice girls think it's strange for me to write a diary?"

Will I ever use it to possess a girl whose hair is fiery?  
Will I ever achieve my evil means?  
And why do I look like Skandar Keynes?"

You have to admit, I'm getting better all the time! (Ha! Another Beatles reference!)

Love,  
Dove Troll R. Doom! (Another anagram of my name!)

-

Dear Diary,

Minny tried to catch me after Transfiguration class, she actually wanted to kiss me. Somebody must have slipped her a love-potion...but not mine. She came at me with those big puffy lips like Angelina Jolie...quite frightening!...I prefer Nagini any day...What's up with Dippit anyway...he's been wearing my dress and he and Dumbledore have been seen doing the tango in the clock tower! Must be under some curse!

Yours...

Wondermort

Dear Diary,  
Back in hospital wing. Minnie found out that I've been stealing her underwear. So soft...  
Rosy tried to kill her, but I stopped my darling precious in the nick of time.  
Minnie seemed almost sorry to have hit me, however...perhaps she is beginning to like me...  
I am indeed getting better all the time at poetry. I have added another line: Why do nice girls hate having their bras stolen?  
It's definitely a line that makes someone think.

Love from,  
Riddly-pie x

-

Dear diary,  
I've been spending too much time in the hospital wing. I've been so bored though. Something dreadful has happened, Minnie now has a...waaaa! I can't say it! BOYFRIEND! My beautiful Minerva has a boyfriend! Rosy keeps telling me I should have left her kill Minerva. Her boyfriend is this Gryffindor who is a Head boy! Minnie is one year older than me and this _guy_ is two years older than me. The good thing about this is that he is a muggle-born! I'll call Rosy right now and tell her my plan.

And when this is done I'll console Minnie and she WILL fall for me! 

Love,  
Minerva's future husband

PS. New line:  
Why do nice girls date mudbloods? They should date purebloods, I'll show'em!

-

Dear Diary,

Rosy is not happy about the plan as she hates Minerva and doesn't want to see me with her. On the other hand, she loves the taste of mudblood in the morning, so she will comply happily enough.  
I think the matron is beginning to have a soft spot for me. I have spent so much time in here, and I am handsome, of course (I must have gotten it from my Slytherin ancestors). Perhaps I shall write her a poem, and then kill her. I think it will be quite artistic.  
But for now, I will concentrate on finishing my main poem, and thus have added a new line:  
Why are nice girls scared of snakes?

Love from Riddle-kins x

p.s Rosy has just got back from eating the mudblood. Minnie is in the girl's bathroom, apparently. T'is my chance! I shall comfort her now!

Dear Diary,

There was a slight problem, when I finally got to the girls bathroom, Minnie was kissing her boyfriend! So I'm thinking that Rosy must of killed the wrong person...I'll ask her what the person looked like as soon as I have figured out how to get detached from the flag pole.

Love  
Voldy-snort

P.s. I added another line..."Why do boys not like me spying on their girlfriend?"

-

Dear diary,  
Rosy killed a half-blood named John Shacklebolt who actually looks like Minnie's boyfriend. I never see her anymore but she is now not the only girl in my eyesight for some reason I've been crushing on Mushi Chang, she is this Asian Ravenclaw who is smart, cute and interested in ME! She giggled at my last joke, kissed me on the cheek and said I was hot! And I hear she broke up with her boyfriend! I have to find her! (Did I mention that she was named hottest Ravenclaw girl this year?) I'll update this entry in a second I think I see her! Wish me luck!

Lord Hottiemort

Update: I asked Mushi out and she said yes! We have a date tomorrow in Hogsmeade! And get this..We snogged in an empty corridor!

Ps. Rosy asked me about Minerva and I asked who she was.

-

Dear Diary,  
I think Mushi should be spelled "M-U-S-H-I!" It was all right at first, I guess, but then she just got scary, gushing about what a terrific guy I am. I DO NOT WANT TO BE TERRIFIC! I WANT TO BE HORRIFIC! AND MARKET MY OWN DEEP-FACIAL-CLEANSING SCRUBS WHILE TAKING OVER THE WORLD, NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER!  
I should just date Rosy. I stayed in the Chamber all day eating an entire tub of "Moose Tracks" ice cream, watching Rosy's Tivo'ed "Desperate Housewives" reruns (Yes, I know 'Desperate Housewives' has not been invented yet) and sobbing into Rosy's shoulder. (Yes, I know that basilisks don't have shoulders.)  
I added another line: Why do nice girls scare me, even though I am destined to be the future Dark Lord?  
It doesn't really rhyme too well with the previous line, and the rhythm is a little off, but, then, I'm upset. *sniffle*  
Love,  
Lord Cold-shouldered-mort.

-

Dear Diary,  
I am back in the hospital wing. I have been prescribed anti-hallucination potions.  
See, I really wanted to sort things out with Mushi. I went up to her in the corridor, hugged her...  
and it turned out to be that idiot Goyle in the year above.  
I asked around and there doesn't seem to BE a girl called Mushi. Did I dream the whole thing? I must get to the bottom of this! I cannot have dreamt her sweet nature...and I sure as hell am NOT going back to being a kissing-virgin again.

Wish me luck on my quest!  
Voldy-kins x

P.s New line: Why are the nicest girls always hallucinations?

-

Dear Diary,  
Tomorrow I will put together my beautiful poem and publish it in the Hogwarts school newspaper! Yay!

On another note, the anti-hallucination potions are working great and I've decided that if I'm going to be The Most Feared Wizard of all Time I've got to practice my _Avada Kedavra_. So yesterday I bought 76 little Chihuahua dogs (creepy little rats!) and began to practice. Rosy Fluffy Slyther enjoyed eating up the ones I had finished with. I only had one Chihuahua left and was just about to _Avada Kedavra_ it when Minnie walked into the empty classroom I was in. She thought that I was charming the little yapping dog to be blue (_Azura Kelavna_). So I decided to give her the crazy dog, I had gotten enough practice in. Minnie was so happy! Rosy Fluffy Slyther wasn't. But then I surprised my serpentine friend with a roast pig I had stolen from the kitchen.

As for the whole Mushi business, it was kinda embarrassing but I found out that Mushi was actually a really weird Hufflepuff named Celeste Lovegood in disguise! Belch! I have used an entire bottle of mouthwash after I learned that.

Tom

-

Dear Diary

I am waiting for Minnie to read my poem in the school paper. Once she reads it am am sure she will find it impossible to resist me. Rosy has developed quite a taste for roast pig now. She has had me running back and forth to the kitchen all day. I got caught by this horribly annoying house elf that was wearing mismatched socks and a dozen tea cozys on his head, but the worst was the Gryffindor scarf he was wearing, talk about bad taste. He was trying to talk to me about some people called the Death Eaters in between his slamming his head in the oven door (that was actually amusing). But it gave me an idea for the name of my band.

Your's Truly,  
Moldyspores and the deadly mushroom eaters  
(catchy ain't it)

-

Dear Diary,

Minnie read my poem.  
She realized that most of it was about her.  
She got mad.  
I'm now in the Chamber with Rosy Fluffy Slyther trying to pull a yapping blue Chihuahua out of my throat. (I'm defiantly not going back to the hospital wing after I saw the way Madam Pomfrey was looking at me.)

Tom

-

Dear Diary,

I can't help but wonder if Minnie's constant attacking of me is a warped display of affection. True, I am still picking Chihuahua hair out of my teeth, but perhaps it is an expression of repressed lust. Rosy certainly doesn't think so, but then again...she is just a snake.

Rosy read what I wrote and has only just spat me out. I hope Madam Pomfrey has Basilisk anti-venom...  
Anyway, I shall soon begin setting up my band, Moldyspores and the Deadly Mushroom Eaters. But first, every lead guitarist (which is what I shall be) must have a 'b****' to call his own. I shall speak to Minnie about it, to see if she does indeed like me and only causes me pain because it makes her feel good.

Wish me luck!

Love from Riddle-kins xXx

-

Dear Diary,  
I hate I hate I hate Valentines day! I have resolved to believe love doesn't exist. Probably some Hufflepuff came up with the idea. I recited Minnie a poem I wrote for her in front of every one.

Roses are the colour of blood  
Looking at violets makes me feel Blue  
Would you like me more  
If I split my soul in two?

Every one Boo'd at me, but on the bright side I swear I saw her blush even though she was hiding under the table. That's what I thought anyways until I saw her Snogging that Gryffindor head boy again. Hopefully Rosy will get the right guy this time.

-  
Dear Diary,

I gave Minnie a Valentine (again) And this time, she ran away screaming, oh, come on, it's not like I'm some baby killing snake face man that will become an evil overlord and get defeated by a little baby, come to life again and get Albus killed along with some one named (I'll make up someone that could never be true) mum, Sirius Black! Yeah! that's a funky name!

-

Dear Diary,

I don't know WHY Minnie didn't like her valentine. What was wrong with telling her 101 things I'd like to do to/with her? It might have been number 56 that irritated my dearest...

Anyway, I caught her alone today on the stairs in the entrance hall, holding my Valentine and crying. Of course, as I enjoy crying, I sat down beside her to shed some tears as well. Looking slightly embarrassed and confused by my sudden weeping, Minnie left without a word.

Oh woe. I do wish she'd talk to me. My mascara's run and everything.

With love from Riddle-kins xXx

-

Dear Diary,

I now have found that fairies are real. I am just so ecstatic. After getting told off at the orphanage for murmuring "I do believe in fairies, I do, I do..." I began to believe they were not real. Now, all I can say is "HA! You stupid non-fairy believing orphanage people" Boy does that make me fell great. I also picked on 25.9 kids today ( a new record). I am beginning to think I need to move on to bigger and better things. Does World Domination sound good to you? Wait a minute... I am talking to myself. How can I ask myself an opinionated question? Wait...I just did it again. I am started to get creeped out. Do you think I should stop writing? Yeah...that might just work. Well in any case, I must be off. Farewell to all (wait...I am still talking to myself...) *sigh* I hope Minnie can help me...

-TOM- (WHY IS I Signing MY NAME IN MY DIARY!)

-

Dear diary,  
I'm starting to think Rosy doesn't wanna kill Minnie's boyfriend cause I heard a rumour that when Minnie would turn 17, he would ask her to marry him and I saw them together this morning! Rosy you got some splaining to do! On a lighter note, I asked Minerva if she liked me but before she answered, head boy came and kissed her right in front of ME! :frown: later that day, I got a note from Minnie I'll write her exact words down:

Tommy-kins

So sorry about Mike this afternoon! Can we talk later?  
XOXOXO  
Your sweetie,  
Minerva

PS. Meet me in the Astronomy tower at 8pm.

So now I'm doing my happy dance. Oh, I got to stop writing and dancing cause someone just came.

_**Tommy-kins**_

Ps. It's my future self, yay


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Diary,

Future self ROCKS. I love the way he does his eyebrows. Beautiful. Anyway, he told me not to bother putting my emo make up on because...the note was a forgery! Someone saw me talking to Minnie earlier and thought it was be funny to impersonate her to trick me. Life is cruel and harsh.  
But the joke shall be on them, for I will not approach the astronomy tower! Rosy shall be paying them a visit instead...  
Oh, I do wish I could find out if Minnie likes me or not without being interrupted by one of her many boyfriends!

With love from Riddle-kins xXx

-

Dear Diary,  
I had to wait in the chamber while Rosy Fluffy Slyther (how I love her name!) went up to the astronomy tower. 3 Tivo'ed episodes of Desperate Housewives later, Rosy slithered up next to me and said that she had eaten everyone who was up on the tower. AND she said that she was ABSOLUTLY POSITIVE that she had eaten Minnie's boyfriend. I guess that her boyfriend had heard me ask Minnie if she loved me and decided to get some of his friends together and, as Rosy put it, teach me a lesson.

That was all last night, today, I saw Minnie in the Great Hall at lunch and she wasn't surrounded by boyfriends! She was crying. I walked up to her and asked her what was the matter. And, this is a major achievement here; she put her arms around my neck and cried on my shoulder! WHOOOOOO!

That was the best moment of my life! I think she's finally warming up to me! But, alas, then after having a good cry, she dumped her plate of spaghetti on my head. Now I'm really thinking that hurting me is her way of showing affection.

On another note, Dumbledore is starting to look at me weird in transfiguration. I think he suspects me for all the student deaths. Stupid teachers, always poking their noses into other peoples business. I'll show him one day! So right now I'm trying to think up ways to get "unsuspicious". My current favourite is pushing Dumbledore off the astronomy tower. Future self says it's a good idea.

Tom

-

Dear Diary,

I've noticed on Desperate Housewives that none of the said housewives have scenes together anymore. Almost as if they all hate each other. Strange.  
Anyway, I had a wonderfully eye opening chat with Minnie today. I asked her if she likes me, and she told me I was an irritating yet beautiful piece of sludge. I liked the beautiful part, but she said it meant nothing as she hates emos and all their crying. I thought this was unfair as she's been crying a lot lately. She said she was allowed to, as her boyfriends have all died. I whistled nonchalantly, and then went on to argue that having more than one boyfriend is tarty.

I have been given a more comfortable bed in the hospital wing this time. Rosy Fluffy Slyther is curled up at the end by my feet, hissing comfortingly. She is the closest thing to a mother I know, especially as my real mother was an ugly runt.  
Daddy must have been the wizard.  
New poem line: Why do nice girls have multiple boyfriends?  
I'll keep you updated on my adventures!

Love from Riddle-kins xXx

-

Dear Diary,  
I got a don't get well card today. Inside was a hand drawn picture of me with horns, forked tongue and a pitch fork. I have found it quite sentimental. I just hope it wasn't from Pompy considering the fact that she always seems so happy when I am here. Its just plain creepy. BLECK. Can't complain though because she allows Rosy to visit and hasn't told any one about her.  
I have spent the last few hours trying to figure out what to do about Dumbledore. He came in asking me a bunch of clearly meaningless questions. I was able to lie my way through them quite well, although at times I had this weird feeling that he knew. NAH! I still got the shivers from it though. No word from my future self. I hope to hear from him soon because I have a million ideas to run by him.

elddir mot

-

Dear Diary,  
I am still worried about Dumbledore. I saw him speaking to Minnie, telling her she had 'promise'.  
It was funny that she seemed to be popping into the hospital wing...when she saw that I was awake (and when I waved tearfully at her) she ran off with a loud 'SQUEE!'.  
I think I frighten her, because I am so scary. Not my intention...but a turn on, nonetheless. I just wish I could shake Dumbledore off the scent!  
I have a new poem line: Why do nice girls go 'SQUEEEE!'?  
I think I'll continue writing my name backwards so that he won't know who I am if he sees this diary. I'm so clever.

Love from xXx snik – elddiR

-

Dear Diary,  
Even though Rosy loves fresh student in the morning, I had to ask her to lay off the student-eating for a while to try and get Dumbledore "unsuspicious". She said that if she couldn't eat kids I had to make sure she got roast pig. So for the past few days I've been sneaking around the kitchens, dodging house elves trying to nab a roast pig.  
I haven't been paying attention to how big Rosy Fluffy Slyther has gotten, lately. When she pulls herself up to her full height she's at least a foot taller then me! Maybe that's been why she's been so hungry lately; Rosy's been having a growth spurt!  
When I got out of the hospital wing, I asked Minnie why she went "SQUEEE!" She didn't respond so I tried talking louder. Suddenly Dumbledore was right next to me, glaring. Creepy...I chickened out and ran back down the hallway. I'm pretty sure that he's watching Minnie so I don't annoy her. Things are starting to get really weird. I mean I just let my basilisk eat a few classmates, not really a big deal.

moT

-

Dear Diary,  
Found out why Dumbledore's been looking at me funny. It's my makeup. Some people are SO PREJUDICED! Man, when I grow up, I'm gonna make sure never to be prejudiced against someone because of who they are, because that's just mean.  
-elddir olovram mot

-

Dear Diary,

I applied more eyeliner than usual today, and when Dumbledore looked at me I glared straight back at him. Ha. Who looks like an idiot now, eh!  
Minnie has been looking paler and paler. I tried letting her listen to a song of the future that future me gave me, called 'Chop Suey' by 'System of a Down'. I hoped it would cheer her up, but it seemed to depress her further. So then I pulled out the big guns - my 'Greenday' album! She cheered right up! In fact, her actual words were: 'now I know my problems are meaningless when there's cack like that in the world of music!'  
Oh dear. I rather like Greenday. *sniff*  
a new line to my poem: Why do nice girls hate Greenday?

With love from xXx eiP-elddiR

P.S Rosy has been requesting very strange dishes...ice cream and soap, and margarine mixed with haggis. I've told her it's no good for her, considering how fat she's been getting lately, but she insists that she craves it! My poor snakey-kins...; _;

-

Dear diary.  
I should have never gotten Rosy to kill Minnie's boyfriend, she's getting pale, quiet, and when she does speak it's in a strict voice. About Rosy Fluffy Slyther, she's been getting all moody lately. I asked her what was wrong and she glared at me. I say I have to go to class and she begins to cry. I'm gonna take a book out from the library now.  
elddiR moT

-

Dear Diary,

The book on Basilisks is very interesting, but it does make me worry about Rosy. Some of her symptoms - putting on weight, craving strange foods, picking out bonnets from Malkin's catalogue - make me wonder if she's...you know...wanting to become a vegan.  
Now vegans are fine by me, what with most of them being emo and all, but Basilisk vegans are just wrong. And if she stops eating animals and animal produce, how can she kill and eat any of Minnie's future boyfriends! Life is so unfair. Even my Basilisk is turning against me. ;_;

I found Minnie and asked her, hypothetically, what she would think if her Basilisk started showing Rosy's symptoms. She looked at me strangely (a look always reserved for me, I'm proud to add) and said: "I really don't know what to make of you, Tom."  
SHE KNOWS MY NAME! Bliss is in that dawn which to be alive! Or something like that...

Love from,  
xXx snik-elddiR

-

Dear Diary,

Ignore that last entry - it was written by a witless house elf.

I am currently reading Anne Frank's diary (not a patch on mine, obviously) and wonder why she thought she had it so bad. I know it's not been published yet, but future self gave it to me because he knows we like diaries.  
She is being persecuted by rampaging Nazis and forced to live in an annexe. I am hated by my love Minnie, and have a pregnant Basilisk.  
Yes, that is right! I asked Rosy Fluffy Slyther why she had decided to become a vegan, and she told me I was stupid and that she hated me. Then she explained. But she won't tell me who the father is!  
Future self said to bring her onto 'Jerry Springer', so I will see if I can coax Rosy to come along. I don't know. My life is so tragic.

Love from xXx snik-elddiR

-

Dear Diary,  
Rosey has had me jumping back and forth between the chamber and the kitchen all day. Pickles with a spinach tarter sauce dip. Bleck! I thought I was gonna gag. She is insisting I choose between her and Minnie. Do you have any idea how annoying basilisks mood swings can be? I am gonna have to tip toe around this one for a while.  
Being that caring for Rosy has taken up so much of my time, I have been really limited in the time I can devote to my pursuits of my beloved Minnie. Oops, there goes my eyeliner running again. I just can't help it though, every time I think about the way Minnie looked at me yesterday...*sigh* It was a look of pure concern. I think she is worried I don't like her any more. That means she cares!  
New line: Why do nice girls only seem interested when you are to busy for them?  
Yours in suffering,  
elddiR moT

-

Dear Diary,

I asked Minnie what she would do if she was pregnant and had cravings for swordfish and frankfurters. She slapped me so hard I almost apparated, but it made me happy because I know she does it to express her love for me. I think... O_O  
I am giving some thought to this 'Springer' fellow, but Rosy says she doesn't want people to see her stretch marks on T.V, even though it hasn't been invented yet, AND she's a Basilisk.  
I don't know what I'm going to do when the snakelings come.  
Dumbledore is also following me more often than usual. I've been wearing more make up to make him think I've merely joined a cult, but it doesn't seem to be working. Besides, I always get these horrible black marks where the mascara runs, even after I've washed. Perhaps I shouldn't cry myself to sleep. Or better still; wash the make up off _before_ I go to sleep. Why didn't it make sense before?

I have added a new line to my poem: Why do nice girls avoid pregnancy conversations?

With love from xXx sniK-elddiR

-

Dear Diary,  
I've decided that Minnie and Rosy's mood swings aren't annoying anymore because it simply means that they are emo, like me. I started to write a new poem about the fact that if there was a post count, everyone on this thread would have a lot higher post counts, but it wasn't very poetic, and I rhymed 'thread' with 'dead' seventeen times. Oh, well.  
Turns out the father of Rosy's basilisk baby is the boyfriend of Minnie that she said she ate so long ago... wow... I personally find that disturbing. I checked out a dictionary of baby names- if the basilisk baby is a girl, I like Pooky, Lacy, and Elizabeth Gompersmith. If it's a boy, I like Chompy, Binky, and . I don't know why that last one appeals to me so much.  
Added a new line: "Also, why do nice basilisks have bad taste in names?"  
Love,  
moT "htimsemaN" elddiR

-

Dear Diary,  
I have just come back from checking on Rosy. It was a good thing I hadn't reapplied my make up from my last good cry, because me and Rosy had a wonderful tear fest together. She was worried because no basilisk has actually ever given birth before. (No wonder there weren't any books on it at the library. Turns out her mom was a chicken and her dad was a toad. She ate them both. I told her if it would make her feel any better I would kill my dad to. She said it would. So now I am making plans to do that this summer instead of going back to that dreadful orphanage.  
Why do nice basilisks eat their parents?

Love  
eddlir 'eman wen a deen' mot

-

Dear Diary,

Me and Rosy are bonded like suicide-packed teens - except we're not stupid enough to commit suicide, and it's my dad I'm killing, so...yeah.  
Only two weeks till the summer holidays! I really feel that Rosy should kill an extra Mudblood to be on the safe side. Perhaps that annoying girl Myrtle will do. Always crying because she's ugly. Stupid Hufflepuffs always fall apart at the slightest thing. Not like us strong Slytherins!

I had to cry after I wrote that because I feel that Salazar must be ashamed of me, up in the big Slytherin house in the sky. I think he would have preferred me to be a goth, but goths don't cry. I do. I enjoy it because I can listen to Pantera at the same time and pretend that my life is hard.  
Rosy says that I cry more than she does, which is saying something seeing as she's pumped full of oestrogen right now.

Another line: Why do nice girls prefer goths?

I must do something about my summer holidays...I must...

With love from  
elddiR olovraM moT

-

Dear diary,  
Minnie waved to me! She's still pale but the nurse says she's getting better. She says she's sorry for blaming me for her boyfriend's death. I said no problem and I took that opportunity to ask her out again and she said ok!  
The problem is now I have to keep it a secret from Rosy. She hates Minnie so yea. My future self says to go to the library and check out the history of Slytherin and his descendants. Then go visit Slughorn then go see my uncle then make a horcrux (what are those anyway?) then go kill my dad.

Coplicated,  
fles tneserp ym

-

Today I'm beginning to feel depressed. Tom Riddle is no name of mine. Why did my Mother curse me with his Muggle name! So I figure that in Tom Marvolo Riddle there is an I, A and M that make I AM _ So what name can I make with the letters T O M R V O L O R D D LE? hmm that's what ill ponder.

Bye for now.

sdrawkcab gnitirw fo derit gnitteg  
_MA I

-

Dear Diary

Went into Hogsmeade today...I was in the Three Broomsticks getting myself a butterbeer before heading back when Minnie walked in followed by an entourage containing none other than Davey Chiffins the Ravenclaw Quidditch Capt. Davey has always enjoyed ribbing me about my lack of flying skill, so I'm not a sporty type, is that a crime now!

I'm getting off track here now...damn you Davey! Sorry Diary...I'll continue. Just as I was about to the leave the bar and find a seat I notice a quill had fallen out of Minnie's bag, so being the kindly gent I am I picked it up and gave it back to her, she made this strange gurgling sound which could have meant anything really (although I personally like to think that she confessed her love for me), it's more likely to have been the fact that as I did this the crotch in my fave pair of skin tight black jeans ripped asunder spilling my underpants all over the place, yes that's probably it as she made off to sit down in great haste.

After muttering _Reparo_ thus covering my modesty things got a bit strange. Davey Chiffins invited me to a party next weekend in the Room of Requirement he said, he obviously saw my true colours when I leapt to Minnie's aid after loosing her quill on the floor *le sigh* if only she could do the same, I have no doubt that she'll be at said party, I might go, just for that reason, I'm not sure, but there is the small thing of what to wear...what if my emo attire just serves to bait people into ridicule? I don't want to have to cry in front of Minnie again, she doesn't seem to like that too much, I've considered wearing the red dress, I heard Minnie tell Davey that it's a good thing for boys to show their feminie side, after they moved off to sit down the only word I managed to catch from Minnie was "loserface" as she nodded her head in my direction, she really does care for me, I just know it! There's no way she could possibly resist me in the red dress, it really brings out my eyes, I'll see what Rosy Fluffy Slyther thinks...no doubt she'll have an opinion...

Oh dear, sorry once again diary...I appear to have verbal diarrhoea of the most fierce kind!

ymmoT


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Diary,  
I am pacing the floors. Rosy is due to have the babies. Dumbledore is watching me like a hawk and has forbidin me to go into the girls bathroom. Aparently some girl has been complaing that I am always in there every time she wants to cry in peace. It must be that wanna be Emo girl. Well, Rosie well have a nice dinner tonight if I can just find a way to get to her with out Dumbledore spotting me. I am seriously thinking about asking Minnie for help. Maybe that would get Rosy to like her more. Yes yes, thats what I am gonna do. Of course I'll have to threaten a nice little curse if she tells anyone.  
Love  
(still working on this)...ydlom drol ma I

-

Dear Diary,  
It's a girl! It's a girl! Rosy came right into the dormitory to tell me. She named it "Dolores Umbridge!" Well, the baby isn't too pretty, but I guess that's what the offspring of a basilisk and some stupid boyfriend of Minnie's looks like!  
The party is tonight! I bought a new black dress for the occasion. Rosy prefers that one to the red one, because the sequins on it remind her of scales.  
Your favorite new basilisk-girl godfather,  
seussi eman htiw yug emos  
P.S. Has anyone else noticed that 'some' backward is 'emos?' I'll have to look into that!

-

Dear Diary,

Dolores is quite a hideous little turnpike, but I'm sure I'll learn to love her.  
At the moment, I'm trying to figure out the relevancy of the word 'emos' spelling 'some' backwards. I asked Minnie about it, and she tried to shove a spoon in my ear.  
She loves me so.  
Dumbledore is definitely still tailing me though, but he's also turned his attentions to that idiot Hagrid. I know he's hiding an aracmantula, so perhaps I'll dream up a beautifully woven plot...  
New line to poem: Why do nice girls use spoons instead of forks?

Love from  
emoserit gnitteg si sihT

-

Dear Diary,  
Hagrid is acting weirder lately, I think its because I'm spying on him. I had been watching "Desperate Housewives" in the Chamber while I babysat Dolores and I came up with a brillient plan. I'll frame Hagrid and say that the creepy giant spider he's hiding has been the source of all the student deaths. When I discussed my plan with Rosy, she got mad and said that she wanted credit for killing the kids and that if I framed the spider she would eat Myrtle. I said this was a great idea and that if Rosy ate Myrtle then I wouldn't have to keep running to the kitchens for roast pig (yes, her weird cravings are gone, course now Dolores has a thing for chewing on my shoes.)  
From,  
... heck I don't even know anymore.

-

Dear Diary,  
Dolores is at a difficult stage right now. I am having to wear long sleeves even though it is warm out to hide the bites up and down my are. Good thing I was able to steal that bottle of antivenom potion last time I was in the hospital wing to have the spoon removed from my ear. One of the bites became quite infected. It looks like a skull with a snake coming out of its mouth. What a great tatoo that would make.  
As far as my plan goes I have been trying to get Olive Hornby to lure Myrtle into the bathroom but apparently she is very predjuduce against guys who wear eyeliner.  
New line: Why do nice girls tease me about my makeup?  
Love,  
Tom aka Lord of the Rings **Riddle**

-

Bye, bye eyeliner. Hello, hair plants. Going for purple. Very sexy, you know. Maybe Minnie will like me better now.  
Anyway, that annoying Olive Hornby has still been unable to draw that little brat into the bathroom. Alas...maybe someday.  
And Dumbledor stopped me to talk to me in the hall today. Asked me if I was okay or whatever. The jerk. He just doesn't approve of my new look. What a perfect little rebel I am!  
New line: Will girls like a rebel better?  
-Tom  
P.S. Found something called 'Star Wars.' That Darth guy is really cool.

-

Dear Diary,  
Wow, I was visited by my future self again.  
He gave me some diary pages from his/my fifth year.  
Here they are.  
They're wierd.  
Little Dolores did the cutest thing today.  
She gave me a quill, and when I wrote with it, I got a cut into the back of my hand. Awww.  
Lord Moldyshorts/strohsydloM droL

-

Dear Diary,  
Minnie said that my purple hair is stupid and that I ought to wash it out.  
Well. I tried.  
It's unfortunate that the potion I used is just a bit more...permanent. It says on the bottle that it takes 35 washes to get it all out.  
My silky and beautiful hair is starting to clump.  
Rosy and Dolores think it's hilarious. I think it's just another reason for me to sit down and cry.

Pray for me.

elddiR taerg ehT

-

Dear Diary,  
Dolores doesn't think my hairdo is 'Ministry Approved.' Hey, I didn't get it either, but first words are always important! I was so proud, I showed her off to Minnie. It was hate at first site. Oh well, they'll probably never meet again, and I promised Minnie I'd try to do something about those chomp marks on her arm.  
Slightly wearily,  
em dlo lil tsuj

-

Dear diary,  
Future self came again. Said something about the Gaunts? And Horcruxes..whatever they are. Minnie is avoiding me again. I'm starting to get annoyed by Dolores. Rosy is getting ready for operation: S.M.M! Squash Mudblood Myrtle! I'm trying the Gryffindor look now. Maybe to impress Minnie.  
signed,  
nirehtylS/rodniffyrG Tsewen Eht

-

Dear Diary,

Ugh, I can't believe I almost put those disgusting Gryffindork robes on! I feel dirty.  
Dolores laughed when I told her my plan, but seemed quite in awe as I took my t-shirt off. Maybe it's that new hippogriff transfer tattoo...I thought it was a bit strange.  
Anyway, I didn't _quite_ get undressed. Rosy came in and interrupted, telling me that Myrtle was in the girl's bathroom!  
We slithered along and voila! She was crying like a girl. I actually became quite tearful myself, but Rosy told me to concentrate, so I did.  
I spoke to Rosy in parseltongue, and then Myrtle came out of the cubicle and saw Rosy's eyes and died. It was brilliant.  
I'm so proud of my snakey pies! Now the whole school is talking about it. Strange that they don't seem to care about the other kids that died, like Minnie's boyfriends.  
Oh well. All's well that ends well, I think...then again, Dumbledore is creeping around me even more often than usual.  
I fear he might suspect that I...keep a diary. And then he will tell the whole school and I will be a laughing stock, almost as laughable as the Hufflepuffs.  
Oh the shame!

Sincerely yours,  
Riddle-kins xXx (Writing my name backwards is a chore)

-

Dear Diary -  
I am in a wonderful mood today.  
I was walking by a mirror, and I suddenly noticed how absolutely gorgeous I am.  
I wonder why Minnie hasn't noticed?  
Oh, and I've heard whispers that everyone thinks that Hagrid is guilty for Myrtle's death. Stupid git, he deserves whatever trouble he gets! He's always prancing around behind Dumbledore and saying that no one had better ever insult Dumbledore so long as he's around. Like I couldn't take him!...Well...he is kind of, er...big...if you know what I mean...  
Anyway,  
Lots of Love!  
Your Riddlekins!  
P.S. Little Dolores keeps on stealing these horrible little kitten figurines from somewhere or other. She's awfully cute, but there is a limit. I mean...kittens? I must put a stop to this immediately.

-

Dear Diary,  
Hagrid got his wand snapped and was expelled today! I'm so happy! After some ingenious work on my part I framed Hargrid and completly cleared my name of any suspicion. The headmaster even said that I would get a trophy for my saving the school by exposing the "Monster from the Chamber". He honestly thinks that I would let that giant spider into the Chamber! Dirty insect, Rosy and Dolores could eaten that thing for breakfast!  
Rosy and I have become closer after the murder, whenever I have classes I miss her so much I could cry (and sometimes I do, thats gotten me some pretty weird looks from the teachers!) Every evening I try to get to the Chamber to see her. Rosy Fluffy Slyther and Dolores Umbridge are the only friends I have.  
Future self visited again. One of these days I need to ask him for make up tips. He congratulated me on the brillient murder and told me that I was on the path to greatness! But he did look kind of sad when I introduced him to Rosy and Dolores. When I asked him about it, future self told me that I should cherish my time with them and warned Rosy about flame-colored birds and kids with lightning-shaped scars. Rosy had already been tramatized by the incident with her choking on the red bird when she was little. Poor Rosy didn't get much sleep that night.  
Tom

-

Dear Diary,

I spoke to Dippet shortly before Hagrid was caught, and he said that I will be unable to stay at Hogwarts for the summer.  
I can't say I'm surprised, but I hoped that since the one who 'opened' the chamber has been caught *s******* that he might change his mind.  
He didn't.  
Anyway, I have decided to kill my father this summer! What a joyous holiday it will be. I have to leave Rosy and Dolores at Hogwarts, so I will go it alone.  
I have decided to ask my Father a few questions before I kill him:  
1.) Do you enjoy writing poetry?  
2.) Are you an emo?  
3.) Does this new noir eyeliner suit me?  
4.) Was my mother really an ugly tramp or have I been misinformed?  
5.) If she was an ugly tramp, then why do you have that ghastly taste in women and is it genetic?  
6.) Have you ever kept snakes for pleasure?  
7.) What do you think of my silky hair?

I think seven questions are lucky, but I should add some more if I think of them.

With love from Riddikulous! Ha ha. I have a sense of humour.

Now I have to cry. Alone.  
Dear Diary,  
I have been crying more than ever, it could be 'cause I am sad about leaving my little snakiewakies but I think its more because I am still sore after sitting down on the Mimbulus mimbletonia, Minnie put in my seat during charms today. I think it was her way of showing how much she is gonna miss me this summer. Slughorn had loads of great info for me on horcruxes. Infact when I kill my dad I am gonna put a part of my soul into this diary. Rosy and Dolores loved the idea.  
New line. Why are nice girls such a pain in the butt?

Your Darling Riddlekins Forever!

-

Dear Diary,

It is the last day of school! And soon, although I have already poured enough of it through my great writings, I shall pour even more of my soul into you!  
I told Minnie about my father, how he's a useless, stupid muggle. I'm sure I saw a flicker of sympathy behind those stern eyes, especially when my own eyes began to water dreadfully.  
I do love Minnie so. I told her, and she brought down a chandelier on my head. She couldn't quite get it at first, but I told her that she had to turn the screw the other way, and then it worked and I ended up in the hospital wing.  
Never mind. I do think my poem is becoming quite beautiful!  
And, even better, Minnie visited and she _patted me on the head_ in goodbye!  
Then she chucked my orange juice on me. I didn't mind so much, because I prefer pineapple. Then she left, and Dumbledore arrived. He's such a pain in the...  
Astronomy department. If you catch my drift.  
"I've got my eye on you Tom." He said, far more dramatically than was necessary.  
"Of course you do!" I replied. "I'm a beautiful genius!"  
He looked at me as though I were *sniff* mad, and then left.  
Well, wasn't that a kick in the teeth. I thought he was going to make me head boy!

See you at the scary orphanage!

Riddle-kins! xXx

*I'm so emo it hurts*

-

Dear Diary,  
Today was the first day I've been away from Rosy and Dolores and I THINK I'M GOING INSANE! I miss them too much so I must find a way to bring them with me. I went to the orphanage on the Hogwarts Express so I couldn't get back that way so I stole a broom and flew back to Hogwarts. It's actually quite pretty from the air. I did some sneaky sneaking and snuck into the castle when Slughorn came out. I crept into the girl's bathroom and slid down the chute to get to the Chamber. Rosy and Dolores were so happy to see me! After a big group hug, I relized that I didn't have a plan to get them back to the orphanage or what we were going to do once we got there. Anyway, I managed to at least smuggle them out of Hogwarts and into the Forbidden Forest where I'm currently writing this. I started a fire and now am leaning up against a sleeping Dolores (she's gotten big, like her mommy!) while Rosy Fluffy Slyther hunts.  
I think the only thing we can do is travel on foot back to the orphanage... ...you know what? I'm through with the orphanage! I have the basiliks as family! We will go to Little Hangleton and kill my dad! Whooooo!  
I need a new name now that I'm going to be living of the land and surviving like my ancient ancestors:  
Dances-with-Basiliks **Riddle**


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Diary,

I feel like I'm in Lord of the Rings! I'm riding on the back of Rosy, Dolores at our side, and heading off to Little Hangleton (Wherever the stupid place is). I miss London, and being able breath in the smoggy air and use my cockney accent to attract birds (pigeons, not girls).  
We are travelling across land, making ground all the time! I am planning how to kill my father. What should I do?  
- The simple, old favourite, Avada Kedavra?  
- Use Rosy?  
- Use Dolores?  
- Use both?  
- Read him some very depressing emo poetry?  
- Turn him into a piece of something-or-other?  
- Stab him with a fork?  
- Tell him I'm his father and shock him to death?

Decisions, decisions!

Love from, Riddlekins! xXx

P.S I do hope my miserable life doesn't become a movie...

-

Dear Diary,

I am here at Little Hangleton! A lot of people seemed to find it weird that I rode into town on a giant basilisk with an ugly little thing called Dolores Umbridge at my side, but I don't think I attracted too much attention to myself.  
Everyone here is a muggle, which is disgusting, and made me cry.  
I asked a jolly local about the Riddle family, and he pointed to a giant house on top of a hill.  
I am rich! Isn't it wonderful?  
So the three of us headed up the hill (stopping to admire the poetic view on the way) and knocked on the big door.  
A maid answered. She swooned at my great looks (naturally) but asked my why I was wearing make up.  
"Because I'm emo." I replied, tear in my eye. I think I might have put her off, because she stepped aside quite sharply. Rosy and Dolores waited outside.  
I headed into the dining room. There I saw them - my father and Grandparents.  
"I didn't know the circus was in town." Said the old man.  
Well, needless to say I was hurt. It's not my fault I could only find red eyeliner instead of black.  
"My name...is Tom Marvolo Riddle!" I cried.  
There was a pause. Then, the youngest one there (who was as good looking as I) said:  
"Oh, cr*p."  
"You are here to meet your doom! But first of all - I shall act out the hardships in my life - through theatre!"  
I then performed a rather moving piece on my own, using a skull as a prop.  
"Oh emo, emo, why for art am I emo?"  
I didn't recieve the clap I was hoping for at the end, which made me cry.  
"YOU'RE my son!" The handsome one said, sounding mildly disgusted. "I wanted a punk, not an emo!"  
"Punks are SO three decades away!" I shouted, "You should be lucky I'm not a chav!"  
"I'd rather have a grunger in the family!" he cried.  
He had gone too far.  
"How dare you prefer middle class, overrated, conceited, ugly, unfashionable guitar playing idiots to me!" I yelled. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"  
And he died. Needless to say, I was very pleased. I turned to Grandfather.  
"You can love me for the emo I am, and live, or hate me and die like him." I said dramatically.  
He died.  
I turned to Grandmother. "And you?"  
She also died. Not before I found out that a charming family called the Gaunts lived down the track. I ought to pay a visit!

What a day it's been! I haven't even written any poetry!

With love from Riddle-kins. xXx

-

Dear Diary,

I must start by saying that I am highly disappointed.  
I visited the Gaunt house - or should I say, 'hovel'. It was a dump, an eyesore. I started crying.  
Rosy and Dolores waited outside again as I burst through the door.  
"Mother!" I cried out.  
Mother was not there. Instead, there was a strange man with an eyepatch who was playing the fiddle to a group of snakes.  
"What on earth are you doing, man!" I demanded tearfully.  
"Who are you?" He barked. "What do ye want?"  
"I want to see my mother, you stupid Yorkshire man!" I snapped, then burst into tears.  
"Ar...ye an emo?"  
"Yes."  
"Ar."  
"Are you a...pirate?"  
"AR!"  
"Oh, great. Well that's just bloody great! My Dad wanted a grunger and my - who are you?"  
"Morfin. You look like that muggle, AR!"  
"I know it's a wild guess, but are you my mother's brother?"  
"Ar!"  
"Lovely. Just lovely."  
I burst into more tears.  
"Ar...would ye like to take a snake with ye?"  
I looked at the pile of snakes. They all smiled at me and told me I was gorgeous, and that they loved emos. "Yes please."  
Uncle Morfin gave me a snake and said she was called Nagini.  
"Take good care of she. She once helped me sink a ship a mile off Norway!"  
I decided to proceed gently. "You've never been on a ship, have you Uncle Morfin?"  
There was a pause.  
"No. No, I haven't."  
"And you haven't lost an eye, have you?"  
He took the eye patch off. "No."  
"Right. Great."  
I thought it was best to destroy the fool's memory, lest he tell a soul that I was here (and, even worse, that he saw me cry). It was also convenient to make him think he killed PaPa. He had a charming ring on which I stole, because I like stealing things. It makes me feel like a tough guy, instead of...an emo.  
Rosy and Dolores were very pleased to meet Nagini. They said she was sweet.  
Well, now that this sordid business is over, I can return to the orphanage and cause mayhem for the brats I'm forced to live with! I do hope I can send an owl to Minnie...

New line to poem: Why do nice girls live in Scotland?

With love from Riddle-kins xXx

-

Dear Diary,

Oh, what a sad day! I feel like crying. And it had started out so well! I had gone back to the orphanage, feeling very macho after all the killing and stealing and illegal use of illegal dark magic and whatnot, and even moreso when all those orphans saw me riding up on Rosy Fluffy Slyther. (They'll be speaking of the bogeyman and bogeysnake for weeks!) But then, that stupid muggle woman in charge of the orphanage somehow mistook Dolores Umbridge for a human! (How she could possibly have done so is beyond me-she must be blind as a bat.) And she said that giant snakes can't have custody of human children, that Dolores Umbridge should stay at the orphanage! Nagini, Umbridge, Rosy and I all shared a good cry (okay, well, Rosy didn't cry-she hissed wrathfully). There should be more snake-faced people in the world, then that stupid muggle woman wouldn't say such things!

Lord Emo Voldemort (How clever and emo I am!)  
(Tom Marvolo Riddle)

-

Dear Diary,  
I have decided to eventually adopt the face of a snake as my own in loving memory of little Dolores. But not yet. It wouldn't go with my eyeliner.  
YAY! My braces are finally, finally off! All of a sudden, when I smile, people smile back... until Rosy bites their heads off. (Hey, I should sell a product with that motto... can't think what it could possibly be, though.) Plus, I've grown four inches, so nobody thinks I'm a member of the lollipop guild anymore. And after all of that hard work going on a killing spree, I've got a little more muscular. Maybe I'll finally be POPULAR in school when I start up again! And I'll have friends! And Minnie will notice me! And I'll gather a band of loyal followers who will come to be the most feared wizards on earth, unleashing a reign of terror over great Britain! And I'll get invited to parties!  
I can't wait to start school again!  
Love,  
Mr. Tall, Dark Wizard, and Handsome!

-

Dear Diary,

Just an update of my poem since I haven't been able to do anything while I've been in the orphanage. (all the younger brats keep asking me to play jump rope with them. I think some of the public saw me jumping to "Cinderella Dressed in Yellow". How degrading!)  
Anyway, here's my poem:

Why do nice girls hate me?"  
"Why do nice girls ignore my pain?"  
Why do nice girls think I have balance impairments?"  
Why do nice girls think I'm weird, And shall I ever grow a beard?"  
"Why do nice girls ne'er smile at me? When I walk by, they run up a tree."  
Why do nice girls never comb my silky locks?"  
Why is it so drafty under my cloak? O why can't I be someone's bloak."  
"Why do nice girls date the wrong'uns?"  
"WHY the dads of nice girls with shotguns?"  
'Why do nice girls sometimes put their hair in buns and why do I feel like I ain't got no chums?'  
why do nice girls slap me?  
And say things thay don't (well probably do) mean?  
And why, when I declare my love for them, do they look shocked and then turn green?  
Why do nice girls tell Slughorn who they like?  
'Why do nice girls die so easily?'  
'Why does seeing a giant snake eat make me quesy?  
Are the nice girls always in the houses with gits, like the girl who's dating Weasley?  
"Why do girls hate my tango moves?"  
Why don't nice girls appreciate the Beatles?  
Why do nice girls dislike my crude sonnets?  
Why do nice girls try to hurt me.  
Why do nice girls think it's strange for me to write a diary?  
Will I ever use it to possess a girl whose hair is fiery?  
Will I ever achieve my evil means?  
And why do I look like Skandar Keynes?"  
Why do nice girls hate having their bras stolen?  
Why do nice girls date mudbloods?  
Why are nice girls scared of snakes?  
Why do boys not like me spying on their girlfriend?"  
Why do nice girls scare me, even though I am destined to be the future Dark Lord?  
Why are the nicest girls always hallucinations?  
Why do nice girls suggest I work for Hallmark cards?  
Why do nice girls have multiple boyfriends?  
Why do nice girls go 'SQUEEEE!'?  
Why do nice girls hate Greenday?  
Why do nice girls only seem intrested when you are to busy for them?  
Why do nice girls avoid pregnancy conversations?  
Why do nice basilisks have bad taste in names?"  
Why do nice basilisks eat their parents?  
Why do nice girls prefer goths?  
Why do nice girls use spoons instead of forks?  
Why do nice girls tease me about my makeup?  
Will girls like a rebel better?  
Why are nice girls such a pain in the butt?  
Why do nice girls live in Scotland?

Beautiful, isn't it?

-

Dear Diary,

I said farewell to Mrs Cole (who for some reason though it was necessary to pinch my cheek before I left), and headed to King's Cross with Rosy, Dolores and Nagini.  
At platform 9 3/4, I met some of the Slytherin crowd (they said they preferred my blue make up) and...Blessed to the heavens...Minnie! Which is a bit stupid, seeing as she lives in Scotland where Hogwarts is? Why does she need to take the train from London? Surely she should just...travel there?  
I don't know...  
Anyway, I said hello and she punched me in the stomach by way of greeting. I was touched.  
While digging her heel into my foot, she said she's starting a book club this year, and would I like to join. I was ecstatic! So hopefully I'll have something to look forward to...  
Rosy wasn't impressed.

With love from Riddle-kins xXx

-

Dear Diary,

Dolores is a little under the weather now that she knows she's a half breed chimera-like piece of sludge.  
Still, I cannot complain! I went to Minnie's first book club today, and we have to read 'Little women'. Well, it's not necessary, of course! It is my favourite book. I always cry at the end...  
I heard that Uncle Morfin has been taken into custody, and that his only repeating words are: 'AR!' and 'Stole my monkey!'  
Poor man. I miss him terribly. *sniff*  
Still, I have his ring to remember him by.  
Papa is being buried today, along with granny and grampy. How sad it is that they had to die! I almost feel mildly responsible...  
To cheer myself up, I brought new liquid eyeliner from Hogsmeade. It goes well with my hair.

With love from Riddle-kins. xXx

-

Dear Diary,  
Turns out Rosy taught little Dolores how to read. And she read my diary. And she saw that I called her, and I quote a half breed chimera-like piece of sludge. Now, she won't speak to me, and she keeps making this nasty 'hem-hem' noise at me every time I walk past. I do hope that this doesn't become a habit. I tried to convince her that I meant it in a nice way, but she won't listen. Also, she said that Dan Radcliffe is better-looking than me, and more emo, whoever he is. I swear, I will hunt him down like a lost TV remote, and destroy him like a toaster with the handle duct-taped down and a strawberry pop tart flaming within it!  
Little Women... *sniff*... I used up all of my new eyeliner reading it, because it kept washing off when I cried. I like that Jo girl. She's emo, too.  
Love,  
Wants-to-be-Laurie.  
P.S. Our next book is going to be "Anne of Green Gables!" I suggested "The Babysitter Club" but that didn't go over so great.

-

Dear Diary,

I had an interesting chat with Professor Slughorn today. I asked him about these Horcruxes that future self keeps telling me about.  
"Professor Slughorn - may I ask, what do you know about Horcruxes?"  
"You murder someone, split your soul, and put the piece of soul into an object, which is then known as a horcrux."  
Slight pause.  
"That was easy."  
"I know, I'm a bit stupid giving this stuff away, aren't I?"  
Sometimes I wonder if there's alcohol in his crystallized pineapple.  
Anyway, much good news - Anne of green gables is finished, and I loved every minute of it, particularly the parts where I cried in the beginning, middle and end.  
I told Minnie that I had finished both books and that I'd love to read another. While holding my arm quite painfully behind my back, she said she'd lend me a book about two ranch workers.  
"I told the other boys, and now I'm telling you: I'm not reading bloody Brokeback Mountain!" I cried.  
Actually, um...she was talking about 'Of mice and men'. Which still sounds a bit dodgy to me?  
Rosy and Dolores actually think it's a great idea. They _do_ love mice!

Uncle Morfin has been sentenced to Azkaban FOREVER. I still feel bad somehow.

Still, I must read my new book to make Minnie proud of me!  
With love from Riddle-kins. xXx

P.S Dolores is teething. Aw!

-

Dear Diary -  
_Of Mice and Men_ took longer than expected. I cried all the way through, but especially at the end. Why did they have to kill him? Why?  
Anyway, after I stopped crying, I went to see little Nagini to tell her about my story. She looked at me like she was crazy, said she didn't like books, and then - you won't believe this! - she _destroyed_ Minnie's book!  
Oh, now Minnie will _really_ be mad!  
Yours, tearfully,  
Riddle-kins

- 


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Diary,  
Minnie _was_ mad. Quite mad. I just managed to dislodge the toaster with the handle duct-taped down and a strawberry pop tart flaming within it out of my nose. The toaster isn't working anymore...on our wedding day I will have Minnie buy me a new toaster! Brilliant! Well, it was either the toaster or the yapping blue Chihuahua; Minnie actually gave me a choice of what she was going to shove up my left nostril! And, remembering how hard it was to get all the Chihuahua hair out of my teeth last time, I chose the toaster. Which I'm regretting now that I'm trying to get bits of strawberry pop tart out.  
The strawberry makes it very hard to sleep at night. Of course, lately its been even harder because Dolores now sneaks up to the Slytherin boy's dormitory and crawls up to the side of my bed and makes that annoying "hem-hem" noise _just_ as I'm getting to sleep.  
Really...really tired,  
Tom

-

Dear diary,

Minnie _was_ mad. She has confiscated my eyeliner until I buy her a new copy. I...I think I may have a nervous breakdown...  
Little Dolores is still being mardy, and I am debating whether it was such a good idea to spirit her back away from the orphanage after all. Oh, woe is me.  
I wonder...what if I said I wouldn't buy Minnie the book unless she gives me a kiss first? Hmmm...*twirls finger thoughtfully around end of imaginary goatee* Gah, I really need a goatee.  
Meh...must...have...eyeliner...I'm getting withdrawal symptoms...maybe I could sneak up and get some from one of the girls dormitories? In fact, why don't I go and get mine back from Minnie's dormitory? I can't let her boss me around! But ...she might get mean... oh, well, it's worth a try. This is a state of emergency.  
What is this? Hopefulness? Hopefulness isn't Emo! I need my eyeliner!

Worriedly,

Riddlekins

-

Dear diary,  
So far no one has detected the confoundus charm I put on my oaf pirate of an uncle, But alas old Dumbles still trails me... I have taken to wearing eyeshadow, white blush all over my face, and bright red lipstick. So now I am being teased and called "mime" everywhere I go. I must lay off the makeup. What is a mime anyway? Is it a sad innocent person like me?  
And alas I have a few new lines for my poem:  
Why do girls hate mimes,  
how will I get past these sad times?  
Why do girls punch the emo mimesis?  
And will Gryffindor find its demises?  
Love  
Tom Moldyshorts  
Ps: yes yes I was punched (again) My Minnie loves me even more!

- 

Dear Diary,  
Guess what Minnie gave me? New eye liner! Then she shoved it down my throat when I tried to thank her for it. She said I had a tongue like a snake. She is so much better than me at showing affection and handing out compliments. While I was having Rosy fish the eyeliner out of my throat with her tail, Dolores was telling me that she overheard Minnie saying that she preferred me being an emo to being a mime. I following her around using large over exaggerated hand movements to communicate with her was a little much, but secretly I know that she just missed the sound of my voice.

Yours always,  
Tom *sexy voice* Riddle****

-

Dear Diary,

My new eyeliner draws on like a dream! No more itchy, watery eyes for me! Well...apart from when I'm crying. Which is generally all the time.  
I told Minnie that I had given up miming, and she said Good, because 'You're enough of a prat already'.  
She's so wonderful and to the point! I asked her what the next book would be, and apparently it's 'Memoirs of a Goth', by Gothy McGoth. Pshh! What a load of rubbish! Who wants to read about goths!  
But Minnie told me that if I don't read it, she'll shove a pencil in my ear.  
Love is cruel at times. One must persevere!

With love from  
Tom 'Sexy London voice' Riddle. xXx

- 

Dear diary,  
OH NO! My worst fear has come true! Ok ok maybe not my worst fear but one of my fears! Dolores's Hem-Hemimg noise has become one of her bad habbits. She does it all the time now it is sooo anoying! The eyeliner Minnie gave me has a curse on it... well I guess it could work to my advantage! IT IS PERMANENT! So now I have eye perm.  
That potter boy and his friends came again. Fluffy hair (her new nickname) put me in a bubble that I couldn't get out of, so I started crying. Finally fluffy hair did another spell to make me be quiet. Potter twin said that they should question me about it. What is "It"? I motioned to speak. They then rolled the bubble (in which I was imprisoned) to this hallway and that is when I fainted.  
Yes me the future lord Voldemort fainted.  
When I woke up they surrounded me Weasley boy, red hair, bushy hair, and potter twin.  
They all had their wands on me. Like I could do anything in his bubble.  
Anyway they asked me where the Horcruxes were.  
I fainted again... I fear they might have been reading this...  
well they have not released me yet and that is where I am writing right now... in this blasted bubble. well I at least found out their names... potter twin is actually a Potter, Harry Potter, red hair girl is Ginny Weasley (blast she is Gryffindor),Weasley boy is a Weasley named Ron (Ginny and Ron are siblings),and fluffy hair is Hermione Granger...When I grow up and be Lord Voldemort they will be the first to die. This is much punishment... to keep me away from Rosie! I can't call her in parceltoungue I can't make a noise... and I don't think I will be able to read this later I'm crying so hard...  
lord sad-shorts  
PS: making a new poem... first line.  
Potter,Weasley...  
Weasley,Granger...  
Why am I so measly...?  
Why do I have to sleep in this manger?

-

Dear Diary,  
I am currently reading 'Memoirs of a Goth' to please Minnie. *Sigh* why can't we read 'Memoirs of an Emo'? I hear it's going to be made into a movie. Yay!  
Nagini is missing her other snakey friends from Uncle Morfin's house...she's gone into a depression. And that's sending me into a depression. So I'm crying a lot more then normal and normal is a lot. I'M USING ALL OF MY PRECIOUS EYELINER UP! *sob* I'll need to get some more soon. Along with a toaster. Rosy has been complaining that she is missing her morning diet of strawberry pop tarts. I should get a new couch for the Chamber too. Dolores was sitting on it (well she wasn't actually sitting, snakes can't really sit but it was something like that) and she got it all slimy from her slithering over the Chamber floor. AND she made it sag. I keep telling her that she's too big to be doing that anymore but she won't listen. Typical basilisk...  
Tom

-

Dear Diary,

The new couch in the chamber is incredibly soft! I can lounge on it dramatically, write my memoirs, and be fed grapes by Rosy at the same time!  
Nagini says she's bored being the only snake. I told her that Rosy was a snake too, and Nagini said she was scared of Rosy, because she's bigger.  
Aw!  
Anyway, I've been trying to keep the crying to a minimum lately, because the eyeliner is going scarce. Minnie appears to have noticed, because she said she didn't recognise me at first 'Due to the lack of stupid, snivelling tears.'  
She is so kind.  
I gave her back memoirs of a goth, telling her it was rubbish, and she gave me a cut lip. While I was envisioning the sort of promiscuous behaviour this must represent, she gave me another book, 'Borgin and Burkes: A brief history of Knockturn Alley retail'.  
It's as interesting as the title leads you to believe! What a nice store it is. I should take a look one time.

With love from Riddle-kins xXx


End file.
